Are you a woman who is feeling frustrated and disappointed in the quality of your relationships?
Do you feel that men don’t appreciate you for your truly wonderful value, and they don’t respect and cherish you enough?
How you found a decent man that you like, but you can’t get him to commit to you?
Or are you already in a long-term relationship, but passion and romance has faded, and conflict and bickering abounds?
You are not alone!
It is extremely difficult nowadays for a woman to figure out how to have a healthy relationship! Our society is littered with heartbreak, divorce, conflicted relationships, and boring, loveless marriages. How does a quality woman like yourself, navigate this treacherous scene and find the relationship you deserve? In this article I will attempt to show you how.
Please be advised that as a Couples and Individual Therapist who works with women, I am completely dedicated to you and your emotional health. My only goal is to help you achieve a lifetime of happiness, satisfaction, success, physical and emotional health and great relationships. Any advice I give you here is a reflection of that sincere desire I have for you, and all of my clients, and therefore what I am advising you is what I have seen with my own eyes and has PROVEN to be the wisest course. I would give nothing less to my dear clients!
I’m going to jump right in and show you the single most important and counter-intuitive technique that will ensure that:
ONE: All men will have much greater respect for you and,
TWO: The good men will flock to you and the bad ones will run away!
I had a 32-year old female client who was frustrated that her boyfriend of two years was unwilling to get engaged yet. He said he wasn’t ready, and she was tired of waiting. I had a good relationship with her, and I prefaced my advice with a little history. 60-100 years ago in America, if a man wanted sex from a woman, 95 percent of the time he needed to marry her! Before the sexual revolution of the 60’s, women just wouldn’t give sex away cheaply. They held their ground and insisted on monogamy, commitment and financial support as a prerequisite for sex. My uncle was telling me that in the 50’s he got married young because it was the only way to get the sex he so much desired. He was happily married for decades. But now, under the guise of liberation, women are selling themselves short! They give away sex usually right away in a relationship, without expecting any commitment or support in return. So I explained gently to my client,
it’s no wonder he doesn’t want to marry you! He has everything he wants without getting married!
He has all the sex he wants, plus he can abandon the relationship risk-free and upgrade to someone else anytime he wants, as he will likely find plenty of women willing to give him the same thing. Therefore I advised her to tell her boyfriend that she was interested in a serious relationship only, and her therapist had advised her to tell him that she would like to abstain from any further sexual relations until she got an engagement ring and a firm wedding date! It would be a fool-proof litmus test of his sincerity: If he truly was dedicated to her and loved her, only he just wasn’t ready, he would be willing to wait without sex for some months until he decided what he wanted to do, and then she would be there waiting for him. In the meantime, their relationship could develop in an emotional, intellectual and practical way. But if he was unwilling to stay with her without sex, that proved that he doesn’t care about a relationship with her at all, and he was only in it for his own selfish desires.
My client was surprised and intrigued by the idea!
In addition, I explained to her the amazing principle, that the less sex a woman gives to a man in the beginning of a relationship, the more he has respect for her!
He thinks, “She doesn’t just give it all away easily like everyone else. She has respect for herself and gives herself high value. I see I need to respect her too. Furthermore, if she’s not giving away sex so easily to me, that means she doesn’t give it to other men so easily either, which makes her seem virginal, special and exclusive, and I like that!” If you get a reputation as a woman who only gives away intimacy to those who give a serious commitment, all the good, serious guys will flock to you, as they will appreciate your specialness and will love the challenge of trying to gain your precious, hard-to-earn love. And the low-quality guys who are only looking to use you for their selfish, immediate pleasure, will all stay away, because they know they will not get what they want! I have seen this technique work with many women! When you refuse sex, it inflames a man’s desire for you. If you feel you can’t hold back until you get an engagement ring, do so for a shorter period, but the longer you wait, the more benefits you will see. Intimacy creates a very strong emotional bond. If you wait before creating that bond, you allow yourself time to really see if this relationship is the right one for you, if you two are truly compatible for the long haul, without getting confused by passion and desire. Not to mention you will be protected from STD’s and unwanted pregnancy. But another great benefit is that refraining from sex prevents you from getting your heart broken! It gives you a clear mind to make the right choice before emotions get involved. Furthermore, delaying sex creates a tremendous buildup of passion and desire that explodes when you are truly ready to commit and creates a strong foundation for your relationship.
It is helpful to create a personally tailored play for implementing this advice with the help and guidance of a wise couples therapist, who can help you to gain the maximum benefit and avoid the pitfalls.
You may have been raised as a Catholic or a Protestant, and have always wondered, why does the Bible say you shouldn’t engage in pre-marital sex and that sort of thing?
Is it because God doesn’t want you to have a good time for some prudish reason? The amazing truth is exactly the opposite! God wants you to avoid those things precisely because he wants you to have absolutely the best time you could ever have, a lifetime of enjoyment including great sex, romance, bliss and a solid family! Avoiding casual affairs is simply the wisest way to achieve that! Sex and love is like the glue on a sticker, the first time it sticks very well. The more you peel it off and re-stick it, the less well it will hold each time. That’s the simple truth that in generations past, people understood. The more you mess around before marriage, the less likely you will end up in a solid, healthy, lifelong relationship. But the more you can save that glue for your special someone, the more likely you will bond with him and stay together forever. But casual affairs lead to heartbreak, STD’s, unwanted pregnancies, divorce, ruined children and loneliness. The good news is that even if you have a past history, it’s never too late to start fresh. Make it clear that you are reserving intimacy for serious relationships only and you will reap many benefits.
By the way everything I am saying here about how to have a healthy relationship is NOT coming from a religious perspective.
I am speaking strictly from a scientific, psychological point of view! What I am saying holds true according to clinical experience AND recent research. I’ve seen it at play in many people with my own eyes.
There are two kinds of people: those who always want to enjoy immediate pleasure now, and are not concerned for their happiness in the future, and those who may limit or temper their indulgence in temporary, fleeting pleasures, with the goal of guaranteeing much greater, deeper pleasures that will last for decades to come. Which one do you want to be? In truth, the second one is the true pleasure seeker, because he or she wisely ensures that she will have the maximum amount of pleasure over the longest period of time, and she will get the last laugh.
In understanding how to have a healthy relationship, what is the single most important quality that a man must possess: NOT Looks, Intelligence, Wealth, Success, Popularity, Social Status, Personality, Sense of Humor or Charm:
The most important quality you can’t do without in a man is a kind heart! A man must be dedicated to performing endless acts of deep kindness, every day and forever towards YOU! And if you don’t have that, all the other qualities will count for little and you will be miserable!
A man is supposed to be a giver. Just like on a physical level he gives the seed to a woman, and she takes what he gives her and builds something good, in a relationship a woman needs to receive much inspiration and material, kindly bestowed by him, and she uses it to build a life and family. If he doesn’t understand his role as a lofty giver, he will always fail in a relationship. Not to mention, being a successful father, which you want, is exclusively about being a giver.
How do I find a man who is a kind giver?
One tip for understanding how to have a healthy relationship, is to look for someone whose job is in the helping professions, like a doctor, a teacher or a therapist. The point is, any man whose job is to perform acts of kindness all day on students, patients, or clients, will have shown he values and enjoys being kind, and he is in the habit of being kind all day, and that is more likely to spill out onto you! It doesn’t mean a man who works in the tough business world must be unkind, he could be a kind guy who learned to be tough in order to make a living, it’s just that in the helping professions, a man is more likely to be kind.
In addition you need to check what is his record of being kind outside of work.
Does he enjoy doing favors and acts of kindness to people, especially to his family and close friends? Is he charitable? Does he give lip service to the virtues of kindness, extol the archetype of the kind person, and aspire to help others in the future, either in career or personal life? Does he dream of being a father? That is an important test, because fatherhood is the ultimate kindness and he must deeply desire that in order to be good relationship material. But if a man isn’t enthusiastic about having children run the other way! Does he avoid personal conflicts with others? Getting along with people is a great kindness. If a man fights or argues with others, avoid him like the plague. But most importantly, how does he treat you? Does he shower you with kind, encouraging words? Is he meticulous to refrain from put-downs, even in jest, criticism and discouragement? Remember a kind man is much more likely to be faithful, because he can’t bear to hurt you, but a selfish person will seek his own personal pleasure in all sorts of external affairs. These are the truly important things you must look for in understanding how to have a healthy relationship!
If a man does use unkind words toward you, you can give him one more chance.
Make it clear to him that you will not tolerate any put-downs, even in jest, criticism, even so-called constructive criticism, irritability, anger or discouragement in any measure! If mends his ways, good, but if not, run away! Life with a man who uses unkind words is truly intolerable.
You must get a man who knows how to make a living.
You don’t need wealth, but he must be a hard worker who brings home a decent salary. Research shows that happiness in life increases with income up to $100,000 per year after that it levels off, one who makes a million is no happier than one who makes 100 thousand. So you don’t need to go for rich guys, that will not make you happy, you need a kind guy with a decent job who is a hard worker.
In addition a man must be very busy. If he’s a loafer right now, no matter what plans he has for the future, run away! Even a wealthy loafer is no good, for too much time on his hand will cause you problems and create bad character traits.
Any man who has any common sense understands that it is his job to do most of the financial supporting of a family.
If he insists that you put in as much financial support as him, run the other way, this man does not have proper values. A man must have an attitude of generosity towards his partner, he must be willing to give you everything. This applies in the early stages of dating as well. It may sound old-fashioned, but the man should pay for everything! If he insists you pay for things he is unwise, and you should run the other way.
Humility is a good trait to look for. However there is one exception to this, a young man in his 20’s is expected to be a bit egotistical and arrogant, as it is a normal part of his developing masculinity. But if he’s 35 plus and still arrogant, it’s a bad sign.
What is the one sincere, heartfelt promise that you must insist a man makes before you commit to him?
In my experience, most relationship problems stem from emotional health issues. Therefore, the solution to these problems lies almost always good couples and individual counseling. Most people need therapy at some point in their life, however when people who need it refuse to or are unwilling to get it, the results are disastrous. Many men don’t like the idea of therapy and are unwilling to go for it, even if needed. Therefore you need to insist a man promise that if he or you both ever need therapy, he will cooperate and sincerely seek it and follow its dictates. If he needs therapy now you need to encourage his to pursue it and that can be your test. If he refuses it now, he will refuse later. I know many women whose partners desperately need but refuse counseling, and those women are in very difficult positions. One thing I do in Couples Counseling is try to gain the confidence gradually of reluctant men and inspire him to reap the benefits of therapy.
In understanding how to have a healthy relationship we must remember that if a man has been through a difficult childhood,
including any abuse, even emotional or verbal, or whose parents divorced when he was a child, or who grew up without one parent, tread with caution. Such a man only is viable if he has been through a serious course of therapy or is willing to do so right now. In may experience, childhood difficulties almost always create adult emotional health problems which will be passed on to your relationship. In other words, I am saying that emotional and mental health is, along with a kind heart, tied for the most important quality you need to insist upon in a man. You need a man who is willing to grow and change as the years go by, who will get therapy, and help you get yours if needed. But mental health problems, if untreated, only get worse as one gets older and his problems will be your problems. If someone has a history of involvement with 12 step meetings, be careful. Usually such people need as well to have gone through a serious course of therapy. Few addicts ever truly recover.
Physical health is also an issue. Avoid a man who has health issues already when he is young such as diabetes, heart troubles and others.
As I have said, in understanding how to have a healthy relationship, try to find a person who has a good relationship with his parents, siblings, family and close friends.
The way he treats them is likely the way he will treat you. One exception however is you may have a good-hearted guy who is being treated unfairly by his family; they are no good and he has rebelled and become kind. But such guys are relatively rare, conflict with family is a warning sign.
So that’s it, a kind heart, mental and physical health, a good work ethic, and getting along with people, are the main qualities that you need to look for in a man. Looks, charm, money and all those other superficial qualities are just not important they will not bring you lifelong happiness.
Now that you’ve found a good man, how to keep him?
Contrary to popular belief, quality men, deep down inside, do not desire a hi-powered career woman. A good man really wants a woman who will be dedicated to him and his goals, who admires him and looks up to him, and will help him realize his dreams. Therefore, show your partner that you admire and appreciate him, that his goals are your goals, and you will support and follow him in his every endeavor. He will love this dedication. Men thrive when their partner admires and even worships them. But if you criticize him, even constructively, and look down on him, you will drive him away. There’s nothing wrong with having a modest career, just it needs to be on the side, your marriage and family needs to come first.
Once you have found a good man who has proven himself to be a kind, healthy, hard-working person
and great husband material, and you have your commitment and a rock solid guarantee that he will take care of you forever, it is the time to pull out all the stops and give him the most amazing sex possible! You basically need to show him, “I am looking for a man who will be kind to me, respect me, take care of me, be faithful to me, care for my children and be endlessly dedicated to me until old age. If you give me that I will give you the most amazing passionate sex you could ever dream of.” Fulfill his every desire in the bedroom and he will become so dedicated to you and your relationship will be so solidified. He will think, “She gives me such great sex, I have no desire to flirt with other women or be unfaithful, I have all my needs met wonderfully at home. In fact, if I change for someone else I am unlikely to be so lucky.”
How to have a healthy relationship: Intimacy Holiday
This technique, believe it or not, is 3,800 years old! It has been uses faithfully by millions successfully since that time, and it almost never fails. I know personally many people who use it regularly, so I can attest to its golden effectiveness.
The idea is to, on purpose, agree to refrain from intimacy and all passionate contact with your partner for a predetermined period at regular intervals.
Let’s say for a week for younger couples, or 10 or 14 days for older couples, once each month. Remember absence makes the heart grow fonder! One of the major obstacles to long-term monogamy is that boredom develops in the intimate relationship, and passion fades. However a regular intimacy holiday completely resolves that problem! By refraining for a week or two each month, both partners develop a tremendous longing and desire for the other, which increases intensely each day until their prescribed reunion, until on the appointed night it explodes in a festival of passion and love, truly a monthly miniature version of the wedding night of a virgin bride and groom! Somehow, the fact that intimacy is not an option for you both during the period of the holiday, has the amazing effect of greatly increasing the value of your partner in your eyes, and your desire for him, and his for you! You must however, gain the explicit agreement and understanding of your partner, that you are not rejecting each other, but are simply employing a strategy to create love and passion in your relationship. Many couples across all walks of life have tried it, and report amazing results.
Just like food, too much constant indulgence in intimacy over-satisfies you and creates dissatisfaction, but giving the couple a chance to miss each other, generates a tremendous hunger for each other, dedication and love.
Successfully carrying out a regular intimacy holiday is challenging, and it generally must be undertaken under the careful guidance of a wise, experienced couples counselor. But it is entirely possible, millions do it around the world, and it is worth a try.
I am aware that all of this sounds a bit outlandish and difficult to implement, but take it from me as a person with tremendous experience in this area, it is by far the wisest and actually the ONLY path to lifelong happiness and satisfaction.
If you are interested in having children as most women are,
I advise you not to wait too long for example into your late 30’s to begin. I know many women who waited that long and found out they could not get pregnant. Earlier is better.
Please be advised that the above represents a relationship ideal, and I am aware that not everyone is capable of fulfilling all of it perfectly. Therefore, have patience with yourself and try to implement new ideas gradually.
Feel free to peruse the rest of my fascinating blog, or the specialties on my website.
If you are struggling with how to have a healthy relationship,
and would like guidance or treatment from a kind, wise, empathetic NYC couples or individual therapist, you may chat with me in the chat box, or call me directly at 646-681-1707 for a complementary 15-Minute consultation. I look forward to speaking with you!